Metamorphosis

“Perhaps the butterfly is proof that you can go through a great deal of darkness and still become something beautiful.”

Contrary to popular belief, the wings of butterflies are completely transparent and the colours (that we see) are merely a reflection of light on their miniscule scales (chitin) on their wings. Butterflies can also see beyond the ultraviolet spectrum (invisible to the human eye) and their eyes consist a total 6000 lenses.

Are these harmless and charming creatures (that usually symbolize innocence, purity, peace and love) perhaps more powerful than we give them credit for? For such a magnificent creature to emerge from a mere worm, requires the digestion of old thoughts to be manifested into a new way of being. The caterpillar (much like us), needs to meet parts of himself that he has been at war with for his whole (short) life. Similarly, we all undergo periods where we are forced to reckon with our demons; to be shaken to our cores by our fears, doubts, hurt and insecurities. This season can be a dark and depressing period, like being ensorcelled in a tight cocoon. There is beauty in this darkness, where we have no option but to embrace a chrysalis of experiences and evolve into the best version of ourselves. This metamorphosis slowly spreads from her core, crushing the outer shell of her past identity, as she blossoms into the unshakable force that she was destined to be. All of the hours of pain and hardship result in a character congruent to her beauty.

I always imagined butterflies to be a little bit like a self-propelled flower. They have an innate ability to move from one state, perspective, embracing catacombs of change.

Metamorphosis is the magic that insects can teach us. Change welcomes growth.

Butterfly is the power of air, the ability to float upon a breeze. It is known for its darting flight; thus, it represents the mind and our ability to change it when necessary. Butterfly represents the never-ending cycle of life; the clarity of mind needed before self-transformation.

Butterflies appear to dance as they flitter among the flowers. They remind us to renew our faith and seek sanctuaries of renewal. They display a re-emergence of life, by arcane strength. They burst with deliverance and defy gravity’s dead weight. They are far from the battered caterpillar in that magical cocoon.

Much like an “underdog”, butterflies rank low on the food chain, with many predators on the radar. However, butterflies stand tall like a “David against Goliath” with their defence mechanisms. Some butterflies fold their wings, using camouflage to render themselves all but invisible to predators. Others try the opposite strategy, wearing vibrant colours and patterns that boldly announce their presence. Bright coloured insects often have toxic chemicals on their frames. Some butterflies aren’t toxic at all, but pattern themselves after other species known for their toxicity. By mimicking their foul-tasting cousins, they repel predators. Their confidence and lack of fear is almost foolish to say the least. We can learn such valuable lessons from this feisty, brave creature; she harvests seeds of pain into flowers of joy.

My message to you:

Your soul is urging you to quest deeper, to transcend above the hurt, to rid yourself of that that no longer serves you, to guard your energy daily, to receive the criticism gracefully, to become the master of your thoughts, to forgive yourself, to own who you are, to embody a fortress of peace, to honour your body for the temple that it is….. All in order to thrive and resonate like a wild flower in this moment.

Yours truly

Kitty xx

Sociopath Neuron Spark

Is it possible that Sociopaths (and Asperger’s and “APD” and even psychopaths) are scientifically the happiest individuals in society?? The mesolimbic pathway, sometimes referred to as the reward pathway, is a dopaminergic pathway in the brain. Sociopaths tend to experience super sensitivity so it is quite easy for them to reach an ecstasy based on external stimulus, food, music or imagery. Is this ability to self-induce ecstasy due to a socio’s dopamine levels taking them on a trip? Or is it merely a one more side benefit of the large degree of control that Sociopaths have over their mind and emotions? Autism has also been linked with excessive amounts of dopamine in the brain and these behaviours are minimized with dopamine inhibitors. If sociopathy is on the autism spectrum, along with Asperger syndrome, then sociopaths may also have elevated amounts of dopamine, although not high enough to hamper social functioning.

It seems that Sociopaths (and all mentioned above) appear to have a obsession with reward — to the “dangling carrot” — so much so that it overrules all sense of risk or concern about the “stick.” It’s not just that they don’t appreciate the potential threat, but the anticipation or motivation for reward trumps those concerns. This hyper-reactive dopamine reward system might very well be the foundation for some of the most problematic behaviours associated with sociopathy, such as violence, substance abuse, reckless sex, stealing and deceit. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the LACKING skills (i.e. fear, empathy, interpersonal skills) that shape a sociopath, but rather their ABUNDANCE of impulsivity, heightened attraction to rewards and risk taking.

From what I have studied from sociopaths (and “APD”) in the past few years (and recently been in a romantic relationship with one), I can predict the rationale behind their actions. They say these things and embody these behaviours:

“Why be physically abusive? It’s far too easy and predictable…. I need more of a challenge. More “fun”. Anyone can physically FORCE someone do something… But oh… now manipulating them into WANTING to do it…. far, far more satisfying.”
They have the fake accent. A soft British/Yorkshire blended accent seems to instantly set people at ease. “He’s just a sweet boy.” Hear the consonants roll off his tongue. Is this fake accent due to “chameleon” abilities or is there some other underlying mental process that causes a change in speech?
The “sharp tooth”. Wow. Such precision, on the mark. Likely due to “sensation seeking”. They live their lives constantly searching for some sort of stimulation, so for a brief moment they can have “peace”, “Feel”……”Normal”?
Confessions of a Sociopath: “I have delved into BDSM for quite a while now. Yes, surprise-surprise, I’m a Dom. Choking, pain, asphyxiation; all can certainly be “fun”. Knives are “fun” as well.”
Socio says, “I’ve had two stalkers in the last 8 years who didn’t take kindly to me just cutting them from my life. Of course what really happened was I got bored, manipulated them into going bat-shit crazy and doing things there was no coming back from. That cost/benefit graph can be a bitch sometimes. Mostly for others. But oh well…. I don’t care.”
In this violent and sarcastic day and age, I rather just speak the truth now…. At worst, I have a slightly “off” or “dark” brand of humor. People think I’m joking. “What are you thinking?”, she asks. “I’m imagining what kind of noises you’d make if I held you down and carved a chunk out of your shapely ass.” She laughs. ….. I was telling the truth….

One of the most powerful manipulation tactics a Sociopath uses are “tells” about who they really are. They master in playing mind games with others and can easily confuse their targets by these “tells”. There are 3 forms of these “tells”:

1 – projections

2 – truthful remarks

3 – statements that are the exact of the truth.
Projection
When sociopaths project, they are giving their targets camouflaged clues. They talk about how other people cheat or lie or hurt others, as if they abhor such behavior, when in fact they are describing themselves. And during the devalue phase of their “relationships,” they often project this negativity on to their targets, in an effort to make their victims doubt themselves. It also has the effect of making targets feel as if they are going crazy.

The Truth
Sociopaths tell their targets exactly who they are, but they do it in such a way that it is impossible for victims to understand the consequences of the horrible statements. Targets might hear comments like, “You shouldn’t be with me” or “I’ve never had a good relationship” or “I wanted to hurt someone.” Sociopaths turn these declarations into pity plays and feel secretly justified in exploiting victims when they do not realize the statements are real.

The Opposite of the Truth
Sociopaths convince their targets that they will never lie or cheat and that they love them so much. They also promise that they will never do anything to hurt their victims. They regularly mislead targets by making claims that are precisely the opposite of the truth.

“It isn’t true that sociopaths never change…. They change their mask and their target.”

So then how do I find myself to be my safest, most secure and happiest around him??? Am I stuck in these “tells” too? Does he know what he does to me? Or is this my fate? To be another forgotten game. Another quest…. Shhhhhh, don’t tell me…. let me ride this wave in oblivion…. Nothing matters….. I’m stuck in this web…. Oh darling, spin me your silver cocoon…

Much love,

Kitty xxx

The Psychic Owl

An empath is much like an owl. She is a protector, a mentor, a goddess of wisdom that fosters a voice of counsel and omniscient vision…. She is almost psychic, making carefully calculated guesses of her neighbours state of mind. Yet, she has dual symbolic meanings: one of a bad omen and one of a wise goddess. Does this not perhaps ring in unison of empaths who typically feel misunderstood? Empaths can gain powerful supremacy with the combination of their sensitivity, compassion, their extrasensory intuition and strategic disposition. Empaths have the aptness to embody a goddess or demon, dependent on the motives for their allure and compassion.

The owl (much like an empath) has a supernatural capacity to see beyond lies and deceit with their scrupulous vision…. Empaths too are defenders of truth and seem to have an innate ability to tune into an intuitive realm that sees the reality behind the illusion. Owls are known to symbolise the Greek goddess of wisdom, Athena; with a distinct strategy that she guards as sacred within her omniscient soul. With the help of the owl, Athena is able to see the whole truth, even from her blind sides. Empaths possess clairaudient abilities… the ability to hear the hidden meaning of what others are not saying, yet is conveyed in their silence.

The owl calls us to learn to trust our instincts about others. Owl empowers you to hear the silent whispers, to interpret subtle facial micro-expressions of liars… the words not spoken, yet conveyed between the breath of words. Owls blink like humans do, but they also have a “third eyelid” that sweeps from side to side to help clean and lubricate their eyes. Micro-expressions occur in 1/25 of a second, so only unerring perception will detect these movements. The human brain cannot process information received fast enough to fake the desired expressions. During this “crisis of indecision” in our minds, our expression flickers our candid emotion. Empaths are notorious for having this flair…. To penetrate minds, read verbal and non-verbal cues and to telepathically immerse oneself in the emotions of others…. Orchestrating a scenario so palpable that it resonates inside of them. Empaths have this paranormal ability…. To embody the circumstances of others and internalise them as one’s own…. To feel another’s anger, fear, sadness, joy, despair, grief…. To feel it pulsate through your veins and reverberate through your bones….. An empath’s soul is naked, raw, unapologetic….

“A wise old owl lived in an oak; the more he saw the less he spoke; The less he spoke the more he saw. Why can’t we all be like this bird?” – Edward Hersey Richards

An empath’s ability to be so cognizant of other’s “vibrations” is an enchanting tool that can be conspired to either manipulate or uplift. These psychic powers can be fabricated to be of an authentic nature, behind an innocent façade, to control others. Is there perhaps a dark side to the charming, sympathetic and selfless Empath?? Some see the owl as one who is allied with bad spirits and occultists due to its clairvoyant and fortune-telling tendencies. Does this “Empath owl” live nocturnally in society with the intent of swooping down to capitalise their innocent prey with psychic mind games? Personal intent is the crux of the matter.

An element of “deception” and mystery is unveiled in an Owl when he hunts. He sits and watches from heights of canopy of forest, awaiting the perfect moment… And in complete silence he swoops down to dominate his prey…. Watching an owl in his magnificent conquest leaves one with a sense of reverence, mystery and perhaps fear mixed with awe. An empath manifests this enigma and secrecy. Like an owl, an empath will meditate in solitude, envisaging a goal, engrossed in her core, striking when the moment presents itself. An empath (as an owl) has an unshakeable self-awareness of herself… This is why being grounded in meditation is the compass of an empath’s being.

The Owl totem is an old soul, a guarder of ancient wisdom, a gatekeeper to the Akashic realm. He peers through the secrets and agendas of others, is a prophet and can see, hear and behold events before they even transpire. Empaths are also often counselors and have an inherent desire to “fix” other’s despair and anguish…. The emotional intelligence and sacred knowledge of an empath quenches the thirst of society for such transparency. The owl is emblematic of a empath who fosters a deep connection with wisdom and intuition. The Feather of an owl is said to help you to find out the secrets of a sleeping person.

The darker side of the Owl is associated with the announcement of death and that the “spirit animal” would bear the souls of the departed to the underworld. The demon goddess Lilith is represented throughout history as an owl (in Jewish lore) and is the most popular topic in feminist literature related to ancient mythology. Lilith was also believed to be the first wife of Adam (and also the wife of Satan). In short, Lilith confronts both Adam and God: she defies patriarchy, submission and marriage altogether. Lilith means “the night”, and she embodies the spiritual aspects of darkness: terror, sensuality and unbridled freedom.

However, in modern mythology, Lilith has transformed into a symbol to many feminists of a independent woman, who refuses to submit to the control of men. The tale of “Lilith the demon”, who fled to a place of liberation, became a celebrated paradigm. Celtic belief is that the owl is a reminder that death represents a new beginning, a new life. Once a source of fear, Lilith has been transformed into an icon of freedom. Lilith’s character is believed to have grown out of repression of her sexuality, free impulse and defiant pride. As modern Jews have many more direct questions about sex, freedom and choice, Lilith becomes a complex representation of our own desires. The debate of this “Owl demon” persists…. goddess or demon? Is an empath’s strong will, defiant nature and integrity sometimes misconstrued as rebellion? Like an owl, an empath is multifaceted and the complex fibres of her soul is continually misunderstood. Empaths, like Owls, are somewhat outcasts of society…. Simultaneously being labelled as a bad omen and a goddess.

Some species of owls are endangered and are suffering a loss of habitat. People also hunt and kill them in the mistaken belief that they are “pests.” However, the hunting ability of owls actually helps exterminate rodents, thus they have an important role to play in the ecosystem. Just like the owl, an empath tends to take on the figurative “pests” in others’ lives, often to her own detriment…. Empath’s pure hearts are so often squandered by narcissists who use them for their benefit. The empath is naturally a nurturer, sensitive and has a zest for life and contagious presence. Those who see empath’s social intelligence, can easily manoeuvre an empath’s affections into a vicious destructive cycle. So empaths, in turn, also become endangered, due to their loss of hope in the world…. They turn the switch …. They choose not to feel.

The Owl and the Empath encompass such kaleidoscopic traits that merge into a phenomena of colours….. It is both exhilarating and exhausting to exist in such a schizoaffective mind….. Such vulnerability, yet such knowledge, vision and wisdom. Empathy is after all about finding echoes of another person in yourself…. And so the owl hoots its call…. and so it echoes on and on…..

“You have been gifted with a unique perspective, turn your gaze inward, your answers lie within.” – Southern Hemisphere Pagan

Mirror Neurons

Yawns…. they are an universal phenomenon called “contagious yawning”. Studied have proven that yawning is so contagious that you don’t even need to see another person yawn – merely the sight of a wide-open mouth is enough of a trigger. It was once thought that the purpose of yawning was to oxygenate the body… But recent studies have shown that yawning is a form of social mirroring that serves to create a rapport with others and to avoid aggression (these behavioural patterns have been observed in chimpanzees).

Yawning when others yawn is believed to be a gesture of empathy and a type of social bonding. Children generally only develop this inherent habit around the age of four. Autistic children are half as likely to catch yawns and in some cases, they never do. Is an inability to yawn result in someone missing out on that unconscious emotional linkage to those around them?

“A yawn is a social bonding process… The roots of empathy.”

Much like yawning, the law of mirroring (Social Mirror Theory) is one of the 12 universal laws, sometimes referred to as the law of attraction. Babies even mirror the rhythm of their mother’s heartbeat before birth. As adults this happens subconsciously when we switch our body posture to match that of the other person – mirroring non-verbal cues which sends signals that we are engaged and stimulated.

We are hardwired for this behaviour which is called “limbic synchrony”. The limbic system is the portion of the brain that deals with three key functions: emotions, memories and arousal (or stimulation).

When we are in genuine rapport with someone, we will subconsciously and subtly mirror their body positions, movements and even our breathing reaches symmetrical rhythmicity.

The brain’s “mirror neurons” not only mimic behaviours, but sensations and feelings as well. These mirror neurons are animated equally, regardless of due to making motions or watching the action itself. This was tested in late 1980s, where a macaque monkey’s brain could not tell the difference between the act of physical motion or merely observing. When applied to humans, these non-verbal links are so potent, that we can observe these instantaneous responses of others to help us gauge whether we have developed a mutual connection with them. These mirror neurons are sometimes referred to as Dalai Lama neurons, named after the ruler of Tibetan Buddhism, since they resemble a “spiritual ruler” and compassion. This gentle mimicry can act like a “social glue” and signals cohesion and trust.

The idiosyncrasies of social mirroring can be harnessed in such a way that it can be leveraged as a strategy to flirt or win someone’s affections, acing an interview, signing business deals and leading teams. When done with intent, mirroring can solidify business relationships. Imagine speaking to your boss for example…. Start by casually observing his body posture, but maintaining steady eye contact and approachable repertoire. Subtly start to cross your arms if he does. If he leans back, then do the same. Even focus on breathing in sync… Studies of social mirroring behaviour have concluded that even in a matter of minutes, a connection will be heightened and goodwill is fostered. A quick test to confirm whether you have successfully achieved mutual energies is to observe whether your movements are mirrored back in return. Change your arm position and observe whether your movement is matched. This organic harmony of movements can be a blatant signal of cemented trust and respect.

“If we never acknowledge that we are harbouring a certain vibration, we cannot embrace it and orchestrate it into an experience that we want to have.”

– Claire Bond –

This behaviour is imperative to cultivating social intelligence. Mirroring facial expressions and movements is an instantaneous signal of telepathic empathy. It is effectively placing yourself in another’s “mental shoes” and you can simulate that same emotion and share an emotional depth. Hence the feeling of being “connected” by means of extrasensory perception.

Call it crafty manipulation if you will, but I think it is genius!

These behaviours are magnified in a sociopath. A socio will mirror you, but will deepen the intensity by reflecting back to you, exactly who you are, or even who you think you are… He calculates what your good qualities are and will build up your confidence with praise. He deliberately does not mention your weaknesses in order to store them in his mind for a later date when he can exploit them. Although mirroring can be a powerful manipulation tool, it is important to gauge when and when not to. The key is to mirror the right people at the right time for the right reasons.

Mirroring can be executed with mastery to build your life through “reverse engineering”. Decide where you want to be in a year or five, and then compartmentalize tasks into attainable mini goals…. for each day, each week, each month in order to quench your fortune. Mirroring allows us to come to a state of self-reflection and to constantly evaluate how our actions contribute to living the life that we have envisioned leading. We become aligned with our inner chakra and centre ourselves.

I think that the best word to encapsulate the act of social mirroring is “Namaste”. The Hindu-originated greeting conveys a message that “I am paying obeisance to the soul in you”. At first glance, at the end of your yoga class, the greeting seems to just be the simple action of your instructor of bowing to you and inviting you to bow to her too (this is mirroring already!)…. But there is a deeper ring of spiritual emotion emulated between them. Namaste creates vibrations to the one receiving the gesture. Heart centers are said to connect during this divine saying. So when we mirror each other, we are saying: “My divine soul recognizes the divine soul in you” and I extend my warm welcome to you.

Namaste….

Bipolar Motor

My mind romps like a bipolar motor

Got me lucky like a clover

I can’t see any reason

To not accept your semen

My head be thumping, need an advil

Got me spinning like a windmill

I wear you like whiskey

Come here and let’s get frisky

Without you by my side

It’s like teeth lacking fluoride

I’m captured in your stare

Let’s ride this love affair

We met at the dawn of spring

You got me worshipping

Your mind games be sociopathic

But meets my psychopathic

Sensing a constant form of mania

Take me out this hysteria

My bipolarity

Understands your solidarity

We drank cream-soda and cane

Your presence like cocaine

Feeling a hot flush fever

Running like a retriever

When we said goodbye

My tears were like a glass eye

After a mere fortnight

I want you to be my white knight

I want an encore

You’re the one that I adore

You don’t seem to give a fuck

While I sit here starstruck

This uncontrollable passion

Got me squeaking like Kardashian

Find me bowing at your throne

Even if you in a different time zone

I’ll always be your kitty

We’ll be wrapped in propinquity

Oh, dear lion

You are my dandelion

To finish I’ll stop chasing

And try a little patience

Who knows if fate

Will make you my soul mate…

xxx Love Kitty!!

The Unicorn Heart

“I was within and without, simultaneously enchanted and repelled by the inexhaustible variety of life.” ~ The Great Gatsby.

I find my heart to be a kaleidoscopic unicorn… An alchemic energy force-field. It is so difficult to describe the deepest cockles of my heart to a person who has vanilla senses. This is dedicated to someone that I hope one day will truly experience the same alchemy of explosive energies possessing my lion heart, even be it for just one moment. For now, I will try to articulate my eternal quest for a love that is further than zenith and why I plunge steadfast into the abyss of the unknown gamble of turmoil or triumph…

I don’t just listen to your words. I listen to the choice of your words, your tone, your manoeuvres, your darting eyes, your facial expressions. I decipher your silences – I can discern everything that you do not divulge. It’s a raw feeling of extrasensory perception…

You speak to me with words, but I look at you with feelings. This fire in me is the vital essence that pervades and permeates, boils up from my core and softly graduates circles of love and light… Welcome to the open sesame of my soul… Hope you enjoy the ride. One look in my eyes and I’ll have you memorised… haunted by my hypnotic gaze.

Some may call me Schizoaffective, bipolar, psycho, sociopath or merely a delusional drama queen… But these “hallucinations” and devotions are my reality. They are the very blood that runs through my veins. They encompass and cripple me so…. feels like breathing water.

She had a very inconvenient heart. It always insisted on feeling things ever so deeply.

— John Mark Green Poetry

On paper, my IQ is exemplary, so one would surely say, “Have some common sense, woman”. But it is not that simple. I have been somewhat wired to ignore my pain for the sake of my love for others, fighting for any toxic influence with my stubborn heart.

Making love with someone is an organic and raw artistry for me. But, I can only truly unleash my minx-like wrath on a lover whom I feel brave enough to let my psychic ability to run wild. At my fingertips I can effortlessly sense, smell, see, taste, touch and calculate in microseconds what my partner thirsts for. Even kissing him can feel as if I have grazed his very soul.

But this candyfloss-coated fluffy emotion, does not come free. There is a constant fear that my existence is a burden to all whom surround me. Restlessness, anxiety, heart break, insomnia, vivid and kaleidoscopic dreams, clairvoyant thoughts and feeling so responsible for such a wide array of people and situations. Crying is often my highest devotional song… It is a spiritual practice of mine and I cry with a pure heart that cannot equate to such a prayer.

Oh, but darling, why would I ever want to trade these feelings for the world? It is what makes my bones electric and my feet tap to the tune of my fabricated tales of love…. Delusions or not…. it’s my game…. my ever sweet addiction… love…..

Breathing Water

I seem to have this predictable predisposition to finding myself in a “push and pull” dynamic when it comes to love… Call it toxic, but it is the nectar that can satiate my soul…. Let’s call it “Breathing Water”.

Love from

your beloved Kitty..xx

“She wants you to be pressed against you, but also distant. Next to her, yet far away at the same time… As if she is practicing being gone… He doesn’t really get it… The sadness pushes him and pulls her. His dark side intrigues her like a moth to a flame, yet he resists her touch, later pulling her close with his loving gaze. So many layers of hurt… It starts to suffocate us both. This was the game… the game of chess…. a push and a pull.”

Turn the porchlight off
So you don’t think i’m home
Wish you’d taste your words
But you sit at your throne
Drop after drop
Keep filling me up
Keep twisting my arm
Try giving you up (don’t give a fuck)
You’re pouring over
I’m breathing water
I’m Keeping my composure

Your small sins blur together
They follow me home
Did you make a mess
To prove you could
Should i clean it up

Like you thought I would
When you pour over
Pour over me

You can’t hear me say
With your head in the sand

That you’re taking too much
I wear you like a brandy
I’m washing away
And you’re giving me up
Drop after drop
You don’t give a fuck
Did you make a mess
To prove you could
Should i clean it up
Like you thought that i would
Did you write it down
Did you make a mess

To prove you could
Should i clean it up
Like you thought that i would
Did you write it down
Did you leave it for me
Did the words bend and blur
Make me weak in the knees
When you pour over

Pour over me

Don’t let me breathe (x2)

If I give you a flower
If I love you louder
If I give you an hour
You turn it sour
And I’m a coward
You take my power

Behind the Sociopath Stare

“Outwardly he was all confidence and openness; inwardly he was spiteful and lonely and unaware of how to relate to the world. He wanted so much to be good but only knew how to appear that way by being bad.”

How I wish that my heart wasn’t so darn inconvenient sometimes….

For ease of reference, Lion is a man who is a suspected sociopath/anti-social personality disorder/ Asperger’s syndrome. And I am lady Kitty (the bipolar empath).

I recently met a man that is undoubtedly the most fascinating, complex, sad, somewhat haunted soul that I have ever encountered. He labelled himself as having sociopathic tendencies, which I did not beg to differ initially… But as I spent a week in magical spring weather, I was afforded a chance to unravel this fascinating and highly misunderstood soul. On the very day that I met Lion, I wanted to grasp the entirety of this enigmatic man. The bi-polar in me, was drawn to his Asperger/ socio-tendencies. Although we were two very different people, we literally were effortlessly drawn to each other. Lion was fascinated by my bipolar complexities and unpredictability, whilst I was comforted by the simplicity of Lion’s rules and stability.

Tom, also known as my “Lion”, has shown me more understanding, attentiveness and has truly listened to my every word. He reminds me even of what I said when I forget (typical of my ADHD) what I had told him. I am fascinated by this indifferent, complex, perhaps cold at times, troubled man. He is 6 years my junior, still at University and all the way in London (whilst I am working and in South Africa), so I accept that there is certainly no hope for us to pursue anything romantic right now. But he is literally etched on my heart. Not quite yet feelings of love yet, but certainly fire of overwhelming emotions that have shaken my core more than any man has even remotely achieved.

I hope I illustrate these feelings as accurately as they reside in me, since I hope to share this one day with you my Lion, when the time is right.

This blog is dedicated to my Lion, the first man to truly see through my soul, to float incoherently throughout my thoughts, to listen, accept and embrace the inner Kitten that I have supressed for so very long. This is not a declaration of love, but rather a token of appreciation…. for helping me to re-fashion my soul in its own intricate style….. And for being my friend when I needed it most….

To be honest, I’m not quite sure whether Lion has Antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), is a mild sociopath or Asperger’s Syndrome/ Autism. He avoided discussions of this sort overall and joked once that he had sociopathic tendencies. It made sense initially to me, since in the first 2 days of our “spring romance” he was very volatile and cold at times, sometimes outright rude and made several really hurtful comments. He had a strange lack of social empathy and often said “I don’t care”. I had never met someone that was so aloof.

I felt quite offended initially and honestly wanted to go home, since he made me feel insignificant and somewhat clumsy/awkward with his intimidating presence. He made me uncomfortable and stared at me in a delusional and unnerving way. I honestly got scared of him. He was so detached and unwavering in his peculiar mannerisms. He told me that he found it “funny” to invoke feelings of arousal followed by rejection in women to see their reactions. I was mortified at that statement and was disgusted at his honey-sweet words that I had easily absorbed the previous night. His verbose vocabulary also amused me, since it was much too advanced for his age and was sometimes completely out of context and irrelevant/ obscure. He was so charming, vigorous, romantic and happy last night?

What I learnt with my narcissistic (severely) ex, was that they have a genius for adoring and wooing affections. I immediately collaborated all of these flashing red lights. I realised that Lion was mimicking these behaviours, out of mere amusement, boredom and pure sport. He was merely a parodist, mastered in perceiving a woman’s wants and needs, showering them with charm and effectively moulding his personality. It was just a game for him!! I mean he was seriously going so far as to literally personify becoming the man of my dreams! All that, just due to his boredom?! I finally recognised the reason for all of his questioning of me on our first meet. He was gathering as much information as possible about every aspect of my life in order to more closely resemble my ideal mate! Oh my god. Kitten just got played!!!

Now I was ready to go home…. Just my luck with men as per usual right?… But then it dawned on me… Every single time that I complimented or admired him in any way, he got so uncomfortable and could not engage with my eyes (as he usually did so unnervingly through my soul). I slowly began to see an insecure and vulnerable side to him; a soft and receptive version of my Lion heart. I gradually added the puzzle pieces together and concluded that he did in fact feel emotions, despite his vehement denial, yet he simply shut them down when he “felt necessary”. He did in fact harness feelings of empathy, yet deliberately chose to bury them… under perhaps his fears, hurt or insecurities. I could clearly see that he yearned to be a part of normal social discourse, but had not yet harnessed or cultivated that ability.

My heart swelled with a new fondness and compassion for this Lion. His eyes darting away in a moment of being extolled, showed that he was completely foreign to being nurtured, cared for, celebrated, understood. It made my heart so sore, to see that someone who paid so much attention to MY persona was so sorely neglected.

There must be overlap between autism and “psychopathy/sociopathy” where you get medical label, while if you are outside of that overlap you either get labeled as autistic, or a “normal person”. Perhaps from the outside it could be, but the manifestation of psychopathy and Asperger’s is very different in key traits. The main one being the fact that Asperger’s have a deep emotional structure, whereas psychopaths are devoid of development in the empathetic systems of the brain. I firmly still believe that Lion has a deep capacity to love…. It is just untapped and unexplored.

But ultimately it didn’t matter… I was fascinated to find someone that shared a very common trait with me… ultimately being misunderstood. So often, due to being bipolar and ADHD, I have often felt so labelled, isolated and misunderstood. The stigma that is associated with mental illnesses (or even slight tendencies thereof), is warped and unjust. As an paranormal empath, I REFUSE to believe that there is not an element (however small) of benevolence and virtue in any human.

Bipolar vs sociopath love

There is a common misconception that sociopaths (or anti-social personality disorders / Asperger’s) cannot love. This is not true. Sociopaths can love with a selfish intensity that puts other love to shame. Their love is a devouring, consuming sort of love. When they love someone, they feel like they want to inhale them — to literally suck out their soul. When they kiss someone, they try to do just that.

I could relate to this…. Lion had showed early signs of this kind of love with me… Even in the first 2 weeks. It was all-consuming, intense and shameless.

Love may be blind for empaths (like me), but a sociopath sees your faults clearly and loves you still. The sociopath’s piercing eyes are not only unsettling because of their unwavering constancy, but because the sociopath’s eyes can pierce through to your very soul, leaving you naked before his gaze. The sociopath’s ignorance or disinterest in social norms means that he will not see you as the world sees you but how you truly are. They’re free of the rose-colored glasses empaths falling in “love” often wear.

This ability of him was particularly appealing to me, since I often feel like my role in society does not reflect my true worth…. Yet he emanated a feeling of belonging inside me; I finally felt understood, forgiven and redeemed of my obscured view of myself.

“[Sociopaths] can charm the birds out of the trees and tell you black is white, and have you believing it” (Buttafuoco, 2009).

The closest analog to a sociopath’s love is probably the love of a child: intense, accepting, selfish. One of the last nights before Lion returned home to the other side of the world, we went out dancing. Needless to say the drinks were flowing. He was at such ease and so comfortable with me. He let his guard down this night and I saw his heart of gold that I knew was there all along. We danced and kissed and in that moment he told me, “I can see myself loving someone like you… No no wait, I do love you!”. Of course I told him I loved him back. But we both knew, in that frozen frame of time where nothing else mattered, that these feelings could not be pursued (even if they were not fleeting). Distance, age, season…. They were just not aligned. We needed to wait.

And finally, like a child, the sociopath will be extremely loyal. I could gladly accept being second in his priority (second to himself), since the fact that he would readily regard me higher than all the others, was more than enough for me.

“I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl in this world can be in this world, a beautiful little fool” – Daisy from The Great Gatsby.

Although I seem to be projecting myself as being a submissive, weak, frail woman, that is quite the contrary. I am extremely independent, self-sufficient and in a highly stressful corporate job. However, despite my dominant character (and perhaps sometimes narcissistic tendencies), I yearn to be dominated, controlled and guided. Just like Daisy’s remark in the quote above, I am somewhat sarcastic, since I do not challenge these views. Instead I sometimes resign to the fact that simplistic and beautiful women will be happier than those who go against society…. Am I choosing my Lion against societal norms? Or am I merely resigning to a fate that I am not cultured in? Will following this inherent desire in my soul destroy me? What will the ramifications be of surrendering my soul to my Lion? I know very well (and so does he) that we both do not run lukewarm water when it comes to bathing our souls. If I pursue this, I know very well that it could either pulverize or proliferate my soul. And the irony of it all is, although Lion does not know of this blog, he is well aware of the hold that he has over me. However, I have absolutely no reservations that I imprinted a firm impact on his soul too.

“He had one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced, or seemed to face, the whole external world for an instant and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself.” – Great Gatsby

Lion’s smile helped him create his persona, the way in which the world sees him. When I first met him, his persona seemed unbreakable. He is able to make people feel important. This is how he appears on the outside, but this is slowly deconstructing as our journey progresses… That clairvoyant smile (or smirk).

Lion had clearly invented just the sort of identity that a 20 year old man would be likely to invent, in order to combat any challenges presented by society. It was his safety net…. He had orchestrated such an incontestable countenance and persona….But it was so clear to me that most of his surface value was not authentic. And I was slowly falling into the abyss of this unknown part of his soul, and he into mine.

There’s something about the bipolar in me that compels me to magnify my partner’s positive traits (tendency to obsession?) and be absurdly forgiving. From time to time I find myself not doing the right thing despite knowing the right thing to do. Of course partly due to an ‘inability to resist instant gratification‘. But I don’t care…. I want Lion to be apart of my (Kitty’s) world.

What is it that draws Lion and Kitty so close? Do we simply understand and encourage each other’s mania? Even when I fly into rage and irrational mania/ emotions my Lion remains cool and unaffected; he is awesome at being a ‘counterpart’ or a savior. On top of all of these there’s always a general sense of being ‘different’ from the most as well as obsession with extremities being shared in common.

Despite the possible danger of such a connection being pursued, I have never felt such yearning and adoration for any man… There is not a minute that goes by that I am not in reverence of the man that helped me harness my inner self again…

And so the journey continues…. Oh boy I hope this lasts….

Please do comment on your thoughts? Open to honest advice or feedback?

Kitty meets Lion

I am consumed by him….

He has lit up a fire inside of me that I did not know even existed. Wait a minute now, Kitty, pull yourself together girl! Where is the powerhouse, feminist, driven, ambitious and sassy sexy woman that you once were?? Could one meagre man truly pull you so low?? To such a point of vulnerability, weakness and naivety?

The reason why your core is shaken is because your deeply hidden desires were momentarily but very articulately met…. By a simple boy…. And his name is Tom. Tom has changed your entire sexual stance…. He has raised the bar. No more vanilla sex. It’s time for the sociopath to read your complex bi-polar mind. He knows just what to say…. He has you hanging at his every word…. He KNOWS the power that he has over you. He KNOWS that deep down, you crave it, you always have. The desire to be dominated and overruled, despite being the feisty and independent woman that you are. You feed off this power struggle. All your life, YOU have been in control. In charge of every element of your life; in charge of your career, your finances, your home, even your partner!! When did you ever even expect that what you truly desired, what you truly craved, was this: to belong to someone, to be desired, dominated yet respected….

Tom has riveted every fibre of my being…. Perhaps call him a sociopath, a narcissist, a playboy…. but he knows what a Kitten like you craves…. HE LISTENS. And he has won. For the first time….. I have found myself to surrender…. my entire soul…. now belongs to my lion. A young boy who has an uncanny, intimidating presence, a stare that melts my soul and shakes my bones. He has literally broken me….. oh my dear, the story has merely begun!!!

Follow me on my journey to discovering this dynamic power struggle between myself (known as Kitty) and my fictional lover (known as Lion). Perhaps an unconventional love story, but this is certainly most tangible, wild concrete form of love that I have ever known.

I would like to show it to Lion once I have truly seen that I have won his affections back. He is fighting back his emotional turmoil, but I know that deep down he loves me.

So my dearest Lion…. I profess my love to you …. Kitten is hopelessly, recklessly and unshakeably in love with her Lion! I do hope that you too feel the same someday. We met just at the wrong time, but my memories with you are pixelated and frozen in my frontal lobe…..

“Submission doesn’t mean that we’re weak-minded, feeble or frail. It means that we’re empowered by choice, and that we’re dedicated to esteeming others higher than ourselves.”